Day 7 of posting everyday.
I'm back in the Café on Ecclesall Road - the one I wrote from a couple days ago. (Short of ideas, I ended up poorly explaining some of my shitty iPhone notes. You can read it here.)
One week into the daily-post challenge and I still haven't really written anything of significance. All seven posts have been bashed together late in the day, and generally lack effort and quality and meaning. Two days ago I posted a fucking picture of Tim Henman photoshopped onto a chicken for God's sake.
So today I want to write something a little more important. Not just something that allows me to show off actual writing skills - say, something that might impress a future employer - but something that could actually make a difference. If, instead of my stupid jokes, unnecessary swearing, obscure references, and violent imagery, I could write something that actually helps people in need, then I can finally go to bed happy; at peace with myself and confident I've made the world a slightly better place.
Here are five signs that you might be on fire.
Five Signs That You Might Be On Fire
Did you know fire kills nearly 3,000,000 people in the UK everyday? And that of those 3,000,000 people, not being on fire could have saved nearly all of them? But how do you stop yourself being on fire? Well, first you must recognise when you are on fire. Here are the telltale signs.
1: An acute burning sensation
If you are reading this, you've probably been burned before. I'm not talking an emotional burn, like being stabbed in the back by a business partner or catching your wife in bed with the person that murdered your dog, but a physical burn.
Physical burns are typically a short and sharp pain (our bodies will naturally convulse away from a heat source when burned), but being on fire will be much more prolonged and intense. It's important to regularly keep an eye on your physical condition. Ask yourself, "do I feel like I'm on fire?"
Can't feel anything? Don't let your guard down, you might still be on fire. To be extra safe, keep an eye out for these other clues.
2: A general sense of panic from those around you
We can learn a lot from those around us, especially when on fire. Even when we miss the signs ourselves, those around us can give us subtle clues as to whether or not we are up in flames. In an ideal world, somebody would straight up tell you. "Hey, you're on fire!" But often the public are too polite or reserved to intervene. There is also the risk of taking their comment the wrong way. "I'm on fire? Wow, thanks! So are you!"
Here are some specific things to look out for from people when assessing whether or not you are on fire:
Raised eyebrows
Open-mouthed gawping
Screaming
Fleeing
Liquid thrown in your general direction
Desperate scrambling toward nearby fire extinguishers/fire blankets
Does this happen to those around you?
3: Lower energy bills
We all dream of getting to the end of the month and seeing that our energy bills have dropped, but a dramatic drop in energy use could be a sign that you are engulfed in flames. If you find yourself turning the radiators down in the evenings and complaining of excessive heat, it may be a sign that you yourself are a giant ball of heat - heat generated by the fire that consumes you. Ask yourself, "is my energy provider really cutting me a deal, or am I, in fact, constantly ablaze?"
4: Breakdown of relationships
Are people suddenly ignoring you? Not answering your calls? Refusing to come and visit or spend anytime with you? There are many reasons why relationships breakdown, but one of the reasons might be that you are an insufferable human-conflagration.
Sure, you've starting borrowing money with no intention of paying it back; okay, you have let your hygiene slip recently and smell pretty bad; and I suppose your exclusive diet of special brew and bin scraps is a little off-putting, but is any of this really enough motivation for your friends to abandon you? Maybe, just maybe, you are actually lit up like a massive candle.
5: Homeless people come up to you at night and warm their hands against you
I hate to break it to you buddy, but not many people have the homeless population approaching them at night and using them as a heat source. If you are suddenly attracting a certain crowd, it could be a sign.
Remember: If you have any or all of the above symptoms, you need to speak to a medical professional. I recommend the NHS non-emergency line on 111. If they deem you an inferno, they may commit you to your local hospital or fire station.
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