Day 4 of posting something to the blog everyday.
Yesterday, before lazily uploading something I wrote last week, I spoke about wanting to write an essay on Nicolas Cage's movies. Guess what? That still hasn't happened.
As committed as I am to writing something new everyday, I am still the same procrastinator, and as such, have left it too late before sitting down and doing anything.
As I type, I'm in a café/bar at the end of Ecclesall Road with a cup of tea and a brownie. It's 5:45pm and my enquiry about the brownie visibly stunned the waitress. I guess it is a little late for tea and cake, especially as the venue seems to have transformed into a bar already. I'm essentially sat alone eating brownie in a bar. Feels great.
There's also some time pressure to add into the mix. There's an England game at 7:45 that I want to get back for. I'll be drinking beers from kick-off and so if I don't write something now, I never will.
My conundrum then is this: what do I write about for the next hour? I could try and bash out something about Nicolas Cage, which may then compromise a future, more conclusive piece on the subject matter, or I could write about something else entirely, despite having zero ideas.
This all feels very self indulgent. Not just the tea and brownie, but writing like this: literally just writing what I'm doing. Is that what writing is? Who am I to imagine anyone would give a shit about any of this?
Oh dear, crisis of confidence. Brownie time.
I've positioned myself in this café to be looking straight at the large glass door looking back out onto Ecclesall Road. As well as traffic slowly approaching the lights at Endcliffe Park, I can see wrapped-up students and dog walkers trudging through the cold from somewhere to somewhere else.
If you can't tell, my plan is to describe things until I know what I should write about.
I think my feet smell but I don't know if I'm just being paranoid.
Don't worry, I won't write about my feet.
I'm considering buying a beer. Is that a good idea?
I know what I could do! It's a horrifically lazy idea but we might get a blog post out of it.
I'm going to go through my recent phone notes and explain why I thought them worthy of writing down. As of right now, I have 1,298 notes in my phone.
Actually, there might be a couple blog posts in this...
Note 1: Take the job
So the other day, when drunk, I was explaining a predicament with a friend about an offer I got for a job I didn't want. He managed to persuade me to take it, and I wanted my sober self to remember that my drunk self had been persuaded. Yes, the note worked. I'm going in for my second meeting with the employers tomorrow.
Note 2: Deaf baby hears for the first time - immediately starts listening to Joe Rogan
This was an idea I had for a ClickHole article or something. You know, the ones where the headline is the joke? It's a play on those videos going round of children hearing or seeing colours or eating cake or breathing air for the first time that parents then record and send in to LADbible. The internet's ability to make me hate is insane. It's literally got to the point where I watch videos of disabled children experiencing life as it is supposed to be experienced and all I can think about is how much I hate people.
Note 3: Bonfire night camp warzone
This was a thought I had on my way to the pub on bonfire night. Surrounded by a cacophony of loud bangs and bright colours, I couldn't shake the feeling I was a civilian caught in the crossfire of the gayest war ever fought. I could expand on this bit but don't want to offend anyone. And you get the idea.
Note 4: Vegan taxidermy - just an empty display case
This is a terrible joke premise that needs no further explanation.
Note 5: What do elephants and 9/11 have in common? Never forget.
I can't tell if this is the best way of telling this joke, or if somehow framing it as elephants carrying out 9/11 would be way funnier. I've not thought how to do that though, and the jokes works ok as is.
Is that enough of a blog post? I guess so. I think it worked out quite well in the end, don't you?
It's a good cop-out for future blog posts. Maybe I just go though all 1,300 blog post and explain my thoughts behind them? It reminds me of Harris' Phone/Foam Corner on the Comedy Bang Bang podcast. The late Harris Wittles used to read out jokes and thoughts that he'd texted himself throughout the week. They are all on YouTube and worth a listen if you love to laugh. Also RIP Harris Wittles. I'm dedicating this blog post to him.
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