Citizen Harry Kane
A quasi-biographical film examining the life and legacy of English centre-forward Harry Edward Kane. To be written by, directed by, and starring the fat intoxicated ghost of Orson Welles.
Edward Fingerhands
A perfectly normal able bodied man overcomes nothing to fulfil simple dreams of landscape gardening.
Mistaken
When Liam Neeson’s daughter fails to update her father on changes to a holiday itinerary, he incorrectly assumes she’s been kidnapped and travels to France for what he eventually learns is an entirely redundant killing spree.
The Man Elephant
A disfigured elephant with no trunk and small ears is treated unfairly by his peers. An academic within his heard (white lab coat, test tubes etc) is intrigued by his physical disfigurement and helps him prove his animality to others. (“I am not a human being! I am not a man! I am an animal! I am an elephant!”)
Flight Club
Disillusioned with his low-status office job, a man starts a flight club under a bar in which other angry and disillusioned misfits take it in turns to pilot light aircraft.
12 Angry Women
A jury of 12 women are supposed to deliberate the conviction or acquittal of a teenager charged with murder, but they spend the whole time screaming unintelligibly about something unrelated.
Sex Toy Story
A drawer of anthropomorphic dildos are threatened with purposelessness when their owner engages in a new romantic relationship. Consumed with paranoic thoughts of life’s futility, the dildos conspire to murder the new love interest, only to realise he has a predilection for violent anal play. A Pixar film. Starring Tom Hanks as Big Pink and Tim Allen as Beads.
Pilates of the Caribbean
Jackie Sparrow, an ex-pat on the British Virgin Islands, has her pilates studio, The Back Pearl, stolen by rival fitness practitioners and must assemble a ragtag crew of regular class attendees to get it back.
Harry Cobbler and the Trainer of Sneakers
Harry Cobbler, a nerd living in a cupboard, is selected by shoe-making gods to attend Clogwarts, a school for prospecting footwear manufacturers. At school Harry learns of an evil cobbler named Voldedocmartinorts who intends to create a pair of indestructible boots capable of enslaving the whole world. With the help of involuntarily-celibate best friend Ron Wheeleys, and swotty love interest Hermoccasin Granger, Harry must stop Voldedocmatinorts before it’s too late, but not before we get seven more films out of it.
North by Northwest by North West
A modern remake of Alfred Hitchcock’s seminal spy-thriller, to be directed by Kanye West’s ridiculously named daughter.
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