Ramsey’s Bedroom Nightmares
Humourlessly self-aware sweary prick, Gordan Ramsey takes his God complex to the bedroom in this highly turnoff-able Kitchen Nightmare’s spinoff. Instead of exploiting the desperation and delusions of mentally-ill restaurant owners, Gordon will exploit the desperation and delusions of mentally-ill brothel managers; sampling their services, uncovering flaws, and of course giving one of his world-famous demonstrations - each one capable of bringing even the limpest looking business back to rock-hard life.
24 Hours In B&M
A fly on the wall documentary series following customers of Birmingham’s Mallard Road B&M, the largest B&M store in the UK. Each day the customers and staff will face stories of life, love, loss, and two-for-one on select refrigerated drinks.
Don’t Tell The Died
A bumbling, blubbering, recently-widowed man is forced to organise his dead wife’s ideal funeral. Battling grief and unable to consult her - because she’s fucking dead - the widower must utilise his precious memories and intuition to throw together the funeral he thinks she would like. Afterwards, a qualified charlatan pretends to contact the dead wife and ask her what she thought of the funeral, either giving the husband a much-needed shred of comfort or literally traumatising him forever.
Tight Women
We take the usual Loose Women line-up and put them in some form of vice contraption. We give them the same bullshit non-topics to yammer on about but tighten the vice every time one says something void of meaning or consequence. Any left alive at the end are invited back next week, and if there are no volunteers for next week’s show we cancel it and schedule literally anything else.
The Inbetweenies
In this new sitcom, socially awkward best friends Simon, Will, Jay, Neil, Milo, Fizz, Jake and Bella navigate the minefield of teenage adolescence; performing well enough at school, pursuing romantic relationships, and searching for meaning in the world. Along with their hilarious antics, four of the friends must battle with the harrowing realisation that they are parentless, immortal, and made entirely of felt.
Goggleboxing
A last-one-standing fist fight to the death featuring every past and present Gogglebox contributor. The twist is we immediately kill whoever wins before they have time to comprehend what they’ve achieved.
Good Morning Bittern
A breakfast news and public affairs TV show created for and broadcast to a single UK-dwelling Eurasian bittern. As well as bittern-related news, the show can feature segments like, ‘how to upgrade your reed bed’ and ‘places you are most likely to find fish, amphibians and insects’. Hosting the show will be Philip Schofield, on his own, in a shed, in the dark, and padlocked into a giant metallic bittern costume - hopefully preventing him from grooming any more showrunners.
Gran Designs
Kevin McCloud interviews grans or something - at a loss with this one.
Newsknight
The evening news but presented by a knight of the realm live from a medievally-looking set thingy (flags, horses, jousting poles etc). The knight delivers the news in Old English, wearing a full suit of armour, and brandishing a bloodied longsword and shield. His 30-minute nigh-on-incomprehensible monologue - never once cutting to a video package or other reporter - is broken only by the occasional cries of women and children who are being mercilessly slaughtered off-screen.
Skinned Alive At The Apollo.
Britain’s most recognisable and irritating stand up comedians are skinned alive at Hammersmith’s legendary Apollo Theatre. Watch the self-obsessed 30-somethings spill their winy, unoriginal observations into the microphone moments before we spill their flesh, blood, major arteries, muscular tissue, organs, and bone matter onto the stage floor.
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