10 More Horrifically Bad Movie Ideas

Casabalancarr

In a misguided continuation of the BBC’s glaringly transparent attempts to massage every globule of pecuniary milk from the shrivelled teat of Alan Carr’s recent post-Traitors popularity boost comes a shot-for-shot remake of revered 1942 romantic drama Casablanca with the bespectacled Chatty Man host CGI’d into every single role. Other significant changes will come in the form of occasional script edits like “play it again, Alan” and “here’s looking at you, Alan” and “we’ll always have Alan”.

Stifler’s List

Seann William Scott’s beloved gross-out goofball Steven Stifler is sent to the heart of holocaust-era Krakow in this time-travelling WWII American Pie spinoff.

Intostella

In a mildly dystopian future, during one of England’s fleeting lager droughts, a group of alcoholic football fans must venture into the murky unknowns of mainland Europe to find a new source of nigh-on undrinkable canned fizzy piss.

Purple Rain Man

The corpse of one the most talented multi-instrumentalists and mystifying mononymous icons of pop Prince is dug up and puppeted like a marionette doll in the remake of this multi-Oscar-winning 80’s classic that critics are already calling ‘unspeakably distasteful’.

Laa-Laa Land

It’s just the musical La La Land but instead of Emma Stone, Ryan Gosling’s co-lead and romantic interest is the enormous incomprehensible yellow Teletubby.

Saving Private Rylan

Utilising an entirely crowd-sourced record breaking multitrillion-pound budget, irritating BBC Radio 2 host and lanky ITV regular Rylan Clark is sent through a hyper-realistic Normandy beach D-Day landing reenactment with genuine soldiers, artillery and live ammunition.

Psychnado

A freak weather event causes a tornado to crash through the Bates Motel, picking up psychosexual serial killer Norman Bates and delivering him into the centre of Los Angeles.

Ladiator

Large angry Antipodeon actor Russell Crowe and every single Lad Bible employee are thrown into Rome’s great Flavian Amphitheater and forced to fight to the death for the entertainment of disgruntled dead internet theorists like me.

The Lionel King

Messi? Richie? Blair? I can’t decided which Lionel it would be funniest to throw to a pride of lions!

Scarf-face

Al Pacino plays Cuban refugee Tony Montana who arrives in the United States and quickly becomes a powerful clothing accessory manufacturer. Tony’s use and eventual addiction to his own supply of head and neckwear leads to absolutely no problems with family or law enforcement. Confrontations about the perceived rudeness of wearing hats indoors rarely materialise and Tony lives a long untroubled life before dying unremarkably of an age-related heart condition.