Gimp My Ride Tim Westwood steals cars in a full length PVC gimp bodysuit. He fills them with BDSM paraphernalia and hardcore pornography before returning them to their mortified owners.
Love Ireland A lorry full of singletons are told they will be contestants on ITV’s Love Island. Instead we drive them to somewhere in Ireland and abandon them. To be narrated by Kirsty Young and hosted by the oldest man we can find.
The Crystal Meth Maze We find some smackheads and stick them in the middle of an actual maze. There might be the odd challenge and that dotted around the maze but mostly it’ll just be seeing if they can escape before we release a bear.
Dickinson’s Meal Deal David Dickinson runs around a London park reviewing the meal deals of workers on their lunch breaks. He has heated discussions with a person he calls an auctioneer but is clearly just his hand in a sock. At the end of each encounter David demands money for his services and threatens anyone who isn’t willing to comply.
Celebrity Brig Bother We get some barely recognisable z-list celebrities and stick them on an old fashioned ship thing like what them pirates had. We push the boat out to sea and leave them to figure out how to work the sails and read wind direction and shit like that. Viewers can ring in to vote on who gets basic luxuries like food and water while the rest of the contestants fight for their lives.
Strictly Come Dine With Me. We make chefs dance or something I don’t fucking know.
Find It, Fix It, Fuck It Those two fellas from Find It, Fix It, Flog It have to invent and build sex toys out of shit they find in someone’s shed. The scouse one is helped out by that slightly annoying scouse woman while the mid-life-crisisy one is helped out by that strange dishevelled man-rodent that always looks like he’s spent the night in a bin.
Deal Or No Deal Or Moose Noel Edmonds hosts an updated version of Deal Or No Deal in which contestants can choose to abandon the game entirely and release an 800 pound moose onto the studio floor. There is nothing to gain from picking the moose other than the thrill of watching a large confused creature cut through crowds of inadequately prepared game show spectators like a hot sword through cheese. Weekdays at 3am.
Dancing On Spice We give Torvill and Dean an ultimatum: smoke this or we blow up a random primary school. Once they are borderline paraplegic we force them to recreate their famous Bolero routine and make them restart every time they go wrong. This continues until one of four things happens. 1. They complete the routine flawlessly. 2. Torvill dies. 3. Dean dies. 4. Torvill and Dean both die.
The Country Files. John Craven and the Countryfile team use their limited knowledge and resources to solve a series of paranormal murders that take place in rural locations across the UK. Matt Baker is forced to question whether what he is witnessing is real, or instead a carefully choreographed conspiracy created to distract him from the truth about his missing cow.
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